This will get you a date
by EffWaiEye
Summary: Why is it that girls are so into sensitive guys? Most of them are gay anyways, so why bother, right? Well, people never really think it, but I am. Sensitive that is.


HI GUYS. So this is a challenge fic, right? And I am always up for a challenge, for I am hot. Or I pretend to be. Provided by werewolfinlove. My requirements?

1) Somebody must say, "Well gang, it looks like we have a mystery on our hands."  
2) Someone needs to be blackmailed.  
3) Somebody needs to sing "I'm Bringing Sexy Back."  
4) A spell goes wrong.  
5) Harry gets accused of being gay.  
6) The marauders need to be involved.  
7) Someone has their first kiss.  
8) Snape will wear pink.  
9) Someone will quote Star Wars.  
10) Craziness!

Fab.

(I use parentheses and dashes too much. Whatev.)

AND HARRY POTTER AND IT'S CHARACTERS DON'T BELONG TO ME, JK OWNS THEM. But I wish they were mine. :(

* * *

Why is it that girls are so into sensitive guys? Most of them are gay anyways, so why bother, right? Well, people never really think it, but I am. Sensitive that is. People never think this because I'm always "being mean." But I'm not; I'm simply having fun at other peoples' expense. And besides, if I wasn't sensitive, I wouldn't be an _artist_, now would I? 

Oh, hi. Perhaps I should introduce myself. I'm James Potter. I am in my sixth year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. My house? Gryffindor, where dwell the strong and brave at heart. Oho, I bet you never saw that coming. "James Potter? Artist? You must be joking."

Well, I promise you, I'm not. To avoid looking like a pansy, I hide everything under my bed and never actually let people know that I'm an artist. Well, photographer, really. You see, the summer before my second year at Hogwarts, my mum decided I should be a photographer. She was probably drinking when that happened, I'm not sure, but she went out and bought me a camera. She convinced me to take some pictures, so I took and developed some pictures of some little children across the street playing with a dog. And that's when I fell in love with it. Not the dog, my camera. And the things I could do with it.

Cameras are very versatile things. They can preserve memories. The can provide visual proof. They can also get you dates. I know this from experience. And it was the best experience of my life.

xx

"Hogsmead trip this weekend," Remus informed us as we met him outside on our way to breakfast—damned early riser, that one. He fell into step with us.

"Thinking of asking your red-headed paramour again?" Peter said.

I punched him not-to-lightly and mumbled "No." Of course, they all knew I meant yes, and exchanged equally evil grins. I made a mental note to sneak a flatulence draught into their food the next chance I got.

"You know, it's like there's some invisible force surrounding girls that prevents us from getting through to them," mused Peter. "Unless you're Sirius of course."

Sirius looked smug.

"Well, the force is strong with this one," I said moodily. Remus gave me a consoling pat on the back. We walked down the stairs in a perfect line and entered the Great Hall in unison.

After we had sat down to breakfast, it happened. I was performing my daily "stalker routine," as Peter liked to call it, craning my neck in an effort to find Lily when she came in, then probably ambush her and ask her out (again). That was when I saw the most frightening thing of my life. Severus Snape was entering the Great Hall. He was wearing a _bright pink robe_, oh Merlin, and looking immensely happy.

At the same time, Remus looked up, and choked. "Don't look now, but I think Snape may have just come out of the closet."

"A shame," Peter said with a grin. "Pink really isn't his color."

Sirius looked gleeful. He stood dramatically, scraping the bench back loudly as he did. "Well," he said loudly, "what have we here? It seems some greasy flamingo has been blown off-course during its yearly migration."

Laughs.

Snape looked livid. Then Sirius said something else biting, and the Hall erupted once more into laughter, but I'm not entirely sure what it was that he said because a chorus of heavenly angels had begun singing in my ear. My face lit up, for there, coming through the doorway and shooting Snape a confused glance, was the most beautiful head of hair in existence. I leaped over the bench and sprinted towards her. Today was the day, I just knew it! Snape assumed a strange defensive position as I neared that made him look like a giant pink bat—he probably thought I was going to attack him for some reason—but I paid no heed. I grabbed Lily by the wrist. "There's a Hogsmead trip this weekend, and I was wondering—"

"No."

My face fell. "N-no?"

Sirius came up behind me. "Maybe this once?" he asked, flashing a smile—he really does looks after me—but she maintained her position.

"No," she said even more forcefully. "I am not going out with Potter. There is no way that I would ever, _ever_ go out with such an overbearing, egotistical, insensitive bastard! He's probably the one responsible for Severus's—"

But Snape cut in. "Actually," he said quietly, "these are mine."

Lily looked flustered.

Before Sirius could say anything about that, he supplied a mumbled, "Family tradition."

I decided it would be a good idea to impress Lily with my quick wit and cynicism. "Wow, do you come from a family of poofters or _what_?" I shot out. More laughter. Lily wasn't laughing though. She was getting ready to punch me in the jaw. And then she did. It hurt, but I tried not to let that show. But then Snape followed up with another blow to my chin, and my ego was fractured.

"You're probably a poofter," Snape shouted at me (not at all a witty comeback, but it hurt all the same. Mostly because he just punched me. Hard.), "and your children are all going to be poofters too!"

Sirius was furious. By now, a circle had formed around us. Everyone watched as Sirius quietly drew his wand and pointed it at Snape. "Take it back," he hissed. Snape just looked at him. "_Now_." Snape's hand had been slowly inching towards his pocket this whole time, but before I could say anything, he whipped it out and shot out a garbled string of syllables. I was sure that was not a real spell, but a jet of orange light hit Sirius square in the chest and covered him completely. When it had abated, everyone was shocked to see that he was covered—literally, _covered_—in insects. Crawling and wiggling and buzzing, and Sirius was very clearly bothered by this. Snape just stared, and looked at his wand. Sirius could not move. And then the insects all exploded, one by one. And then he screamed. And that was it.

xx

Many people were convinced that this experience had pushed him off the deep end, as he had since taken to referring to us as his "gang," sipping Moxie from a twisty straw—in the hallway, during classes—even though you could clearly tell he did not enjoy the taste, and sporting a bright blue headband with a garish design of sunflowers spread across it. I, however, was sure that he had completely recovered, and this was just another of his many eccentricities. At least, I hoped. But I had more pressing matters to concern myself with. How would I convince Lily Evans to go on a date with me? Sirius was fine, and I did actually stand there and let Snape punch me in the face and not get him back. (I actually hid behind a pillar one day and caught him on his way to class and turned his robes pink again, but Lily doesn't need to know it was me.) This must have impressed her, right? But I asked again the next day when I was sure Sirius had recovered, and she still replied with an adamant "No."

I was hurt. But when the going gets tough, the clever resort to underhanded means. So I took my camera and snuck up to the girls' dorms every Thursday morning, when we shared a free class. This may sound bad, but I intended to blackmail her. And blackmail her I did. Two weeks after the incident, when I was left alone during my free class (Sirius had switched his headband to a slightly more attractive orange-and-purple one, but still had his twisty straw firmly between his teeth when he bid me good-bye and good luck), I grabbed my camera and put on my invisibility cloak and snuck up the girls' staircase (the trick is to shimmy up the banister). I opened the door a crack and waited. Lily was in the shower. Excellent.

It took some waiting and leg cramps, but eventually she emerged, and she wasn't entirely clothed and I admit I got a bit excited (NOT LIKE THAT), but I kept my composure and readied my camera. She disappeared for a while behind her bed, but came back up with her school robes, wiggling and humming some strange, tuneless song of her invention: "I'm bringin' sexy back, _hum_, yeah. _Hum hum hum hummmm hum hum_ how to act, _humhum_, yeah." I snapped away, and soon my cloak was full of purple smoke. Hopefully she didn't hear the popping. After maybe fifteen exposures, I bolted, leaving a trail of purple smoke behind me as she belted, "Dirty baaaabe! You see these shackles baby I'm your slaaaaave!"

Terrifying. Exceedingly odd. I wasn't entirely sure of what to think of her anymore, but I had my incriminating photos, and that was good. That was great. I developed them and readied for class.

xx

That period was charms. Flitwick was gesticulating wildly at the board. Sirius was nodding thoughtfully and chewing his straw. Remus was taking notes. Peter was folding a paper airplane out of his notes. I was blackmailing Lily.

_Lily,_

_I have more of these. You wouldn't want them to get out, would you? I know it's a bit sad of me to resort to blackmail, but go out with me. Just once, just give me a chance. One date, that's all I'm asking. Meet me in the transfiguration corridor after class and we'll talk._

_James_

_P.S. Don't tell anyone about this._

I had attached one of my fifteen pictures, in vivid, moving color. Then I slid it over to her. She gave me a withering look, opened it, and froze. Then she quickly moved her notes over it and continued writing as if nothing had happened.

Now I have to admit, looking back on it now, it was really a silly thing to do. But it seemed so brilliant at the time, I could not help but grin. _I was finally going to go on a date with Lily Evans. My dreams are coming true!_

Of course, there was always the chance that she didn't care and wouldn't show up, so I was very relieved when she did.

"Okay," she spat. "What are your demands?"

I gave what I hoped was a suave grin and tried to inconspicuously wipe my sweaty palms on my robes. "Next Hogsmead trip," I said, "we'll go." I swallowed hard. I had temporarily forgotten how to speak and my voice seemed an octave higher than it usually was, and Lily picked up on this.

"What's in it for me?" she shot back.

"I'll burn the pictures?" I said timidly

She shook her head. "Not good enough. You can release those photos. I could just tell everyone they aren't real. They'd believe me."

I thought about this for a while. True, they probably would. Lily has incredible powers of persuasion. "I'll pay you ten galleons?" I squeaked.

Lily snorted. "What do I look like, some kind of cheap whore? No, I'll tell you what you'll do. Until the next Hogsmead trip, you will be kind and courteous and an overall not-a-jerk. And not just to me, to everyone."

I opened my mouth.

"Even Snape."

I closed it again.

"Do we have a deal?"

I cleared my throat. "Well," I said, still sounding like a seven-year-old, "I suppose I could—"

"Lovely," she said, and breezed away angrily.

I was not entirely sure how I could do this. The next Hogsmead trip was two weeks away.

xx

So for an entire week, I was kind and courteous and an overall not-a-jerk. And not just to Lily, to everyone. And I found it extremely difficult. Of course, Remus, the attentive bastard, picked up on it right away.

"Did you lose your cool and get out-bargained by Lily?"

To this day, I cannot figure out how he knew, but he knew. "Yeah," I said heavily.

"Next weekend is the Hogsmead trip, I think. You'll be okay. But you want to know something?" I said I did, and he told me, "Be especially nice to Lily, and when she's around, do nice things to Snape."

I made a face.

"You misunderstand," Remus continued. "Just be nice to him is all—reply politely when he says something to you, and ignore him when he doesn't. And hold the door open for Lily. Speak to her in full sentences, and never make crude jokes in her presence."

"Why are you telling me this?" I asked, for this was very strange indeed.

"Because I know what she wants and why she's doing this." And he would not speak to me again for the entire night.

Of course, this was puzzling to me, but Remus is smart, and Remus often gives good advice about girls because he is sensitive and girls like him and not just because he's hot, so I did exactly as he told me to. Within that week, I noticed that Lily had started to call me "James."

Of course, I didn't say anything about it, because I didn't want her to realize it and stop.

I made an effort, I really did. I made polite conversation with her. I asked her about her interests, how she was doing, how her day was. I was saccharine-sweet to Snape; it was really rather disgusting. With him, it was all "yes, please," "no, thank you," "yes, I was already aware, but thank you for feeling the need to inform me, it's really sweet of you." I took relish in the fact that Snape probably was more annoyed by this than anything else, and that Lily had only called me "Potter" once that day. Of course, a lot of other people thought I was hitting on Snape (oh ew oh ew oh ew), which was not a relishing thought. But D-Day drew near, and the night before, I officially asked her out in the common room, to which she gave a huffy, "Oh _fine_."

"I'll meet you in the Great Hall tomorrow?"

"Sure, yeah, eh, whatever."

I was ecstatic.

xx

On Saturday, I had painstakingly ruffled my hair and chosen my most attractive robes. Sirius was perched on the edge of my bed drinking Moxie. He had long since ditched the headbands, but his other recently-acquired mannerisms remained the same, though he had gotten much stranger. "Oh, it's so lovely watching people prepare for their first date," he sighed happily. Peter and Remus traded glances. I was not entirely sure if letting Sirius go to Hogsmead was a very good idea, but I was definitely not about to be late, so as soon as I was finished, I hurried them out of the dorm.

We waited in the Great Hall for quite a while until I decided that Remus, Sirius, and Peter should just go on without me, so they did. It seemed like hours, but Lily did arrive, and sweet Merlin, she looked gorgeous. I tried to take her hand but she twisted away from my grasp and said, "Alright then, let's go."

We went to the Three Broomsticks and sipped butterbeer and talked and talked and I told a (clean) joke and she laughed, _she laughed_, and it was the best date of my entire life. And the only date of my entire life, not counting the weird one with that Ravenclaw in year one—best not think about that.

Then, wanting to seem like the perfect gentleman, I bought her chocolates. And then she kissed me, right in the store.

It wasn't a real K-I-S-S kiss—she mostly just brushed her lips against my chin—but it was good enough for me. I got bright red. And then—! She took my hand! By her own free will! And it was amazing! I giggled nervously, but she led me out of the store, and we headed back to school.

We parted in the common room. I kissed her cheek (_AND SHE LET ME_) and I watched as she climbed up the stairs to the girls' dormitories and I collapsed on an armchair, too euphoric to move any more. All-in-all, it was a great day. I made the date bearable. Me! So that must be good. Right?

xx

I was just dozing off when the portrait hole opened again. "_JAMES_!" It was Remus. "We have to talk."

I looked up. "Whatabout?"

Sirius grinned at me. "How'd the date go, loverboy?" he sang at me.

"About that," replied Peter. "Look, you can't just ignore it for any longer, he's gone all funny and you _have to stop denying this so we can get him help_."

"No, he hasn't. He's just being strange is all, he's Sirius, it's what he does—"

"James," said Remus, pulling out some of his shopping. "We went into Zonkos. He looked around and asked me what _this_ was." I looked at what he was brandishing. It was a dungbomb. At that moment, Sirius grabbed it and prepared to hurl it across the room, but I snatched it away from him before he could. "He's been like this for a _month_, James. We have to do something."

"Point taken, but what can we do about it?"

"I'm out of super-drink," Sirius whined, peering into his bottle. He dashed upstairs, and we followed him, all suddenly very concerned for his well-being.

What we found in our dormitory was a shock. Sirius was pushing his crate of Moxie back under his bed after retrieving another bottle. But the entire room was completely ransacked. "What's wrong?" he asked us, sucking on his straw. He looked around. "Oh."

"Who did this?" Peter asked.

I had a vague idea of who it might have been, and ran to my trunk. The photos should have been wedged between my socks and underwear, but they were gone.

"Well gang, it looks like we have a mystery on our hands," Sirius chirped with an inane grin still plastered to his face.

Remus gave me a meaningful look and I sighed. "No, I know who did it." Peter looked at me questioningly. "It was Lily—I blackmailed her into going on a date with me." Remus snorted. "I just got a bunch of pictures of her dancing in lingerie and told her I'd get them out to the public if she didn't."

At the word "lingerie," Sirius suddenly shuddered and dropped his bottle. Moxie spilled all over the floor. "Wait," he said slowly. "You had pictures of Evans in her _bra_, and you didn't _share them_?_Why_? And more importantly, you let them get _stolen back_? Didn't you at least keep one under your pillow or something? So at night you could—"

"No!" I exclaimed. "That's vile!"

"Oh come on James, everyone does it."

"Yeah, but—" (Okay, I actually did, but I wasn't going to admit that, was I? Besides, she found that too—oh god.)

Remus and Peter were sniggering as I tried to defend myself from Sirius's petulant questions.

"At least you're better, right?"

"What?"

xx

The next day, I met Lily on her way to breakfast. "You broke into my room before Hogsmead, didn't you?"

"Yeah. So?"

"Well, why did you go with me anyways?"

She paused. "I thought I might give you a chance," she said quietly. Then she leaned over and kissed me. On the lips. In the hallway. My face went red. "By the way," she said as she left, "I found the one you kept under your pillow. That's just… wrong."

* * *

SO HOW DO YOU THINK I DID? 

Review. Give me constructive crits, constructive praise, gushings, whatever you want. And I'd like to know how well you all feel I stuck to the requirements I was given.

So review plsplspls thx bby

Oh, and "Sexy Back" is by JT, I have no claim over it.

"Force is strong with this one" quote might be wrong, but Darth Vader says it in some Episode of Star Wars. I have no claim over that either.

Also, the quote from scooby doo is from scooby doo, which isn't mine.


End file.
